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[21 Feb 2006|10:00pm] |
obviously (or maybe not so obviously), it's time for my five-week update. so here i am, right on time. with nothing extremely exciting to say. except for the fact that zathura's out on dvd now, so hopefully one of you bought it for a kid family member. or yourself for the effects.
okay, i keep typing pointless facts and deleting them, so i'll just safely end this now. i've learned that most of the time, less is more. if i have nothing to say, there's no use filling an empty space with bullshit.
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| absent. |
[16 Jan 2006|03:38pm] |
i'm the ghost people see, then easily convince themselves that they didn't. and they move on. and i allow it. probably because i made it that way, whether i meant to or not. i go to a familiar place, but the people are always new. even if i get a sincere smile from a harmless soul, i disengage and back away. i guess everyone has their line drawn somewhere. apparently without my noticing, i erased mine from its old position and drew it farther from me. so that's where the chalk smudges on my hands came from. maybe i've been exposed all along. but so it goes, i've built a nice, spacious observatory box around me. look and point. i guess my line means finish, rather than start.
but that can change. evolve. i'll mold myself into something new eventually. and knowing me, i'll be the last one to notice.
i promise i'm more optimistic than i sound.
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[10 Dec 2005|03:00am] |
i'm bored, but apparently not bored enough to write a decent update. not that i'm really capable of that anyway. just thought i'd pop in and say SOMETHING, because i'm already at five weeks and i'm not exactly ready to die off yet. and yeah, like you, i can't imagine why.
and holy shit, a break in my schedule? i'm depressed.
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[04 Nov 2005|03:15pm] |
if we could find all of the minutes and hours that disappear without a trace, we'd probably have all the time in the world. the only times when time itself crawls disgustingly slow is when you're depressed out of your mind and would give anything to wake up in another period of time. otherwise, you can glance up at the sky and when you look down, you're hours or days behind. but whatever, i guess that's just how life works. i don't really like to think too much about time, because i think it can drive you insane. one of the many things that can drive you insane, that is. it's just wild.
zathura hits theaters next friday.
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| the easy way out. |
[08 Oct 2005|10:10pm] |
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mood |
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 annoyed |
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i swear, everytime i try to write something here, i just click the x and forget about it. i just suck, apparently.
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[08 Sep 2005|10:00pm] |
so apparently my new movie has a title now: the messengers. i personally liked the untitled pang brothers' project better, but whatever. what's in a name. who knows if it'll even stay that anyway.
that's another thing i like about movies. so many changes are made during the entire process. it's not finished until it's finished, pretty much actually in theaters or on video/tv, etc. kind of like, as people, we aren't finished until we're dead. and kind of not then. maybe that was a bad analogy.
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| sense, there is none. |
[16 Aug 2005|03:25am] |
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mood |
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 mellow |
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miss michalka wanted an update out of me, so i decided to come out of hiding and attempt one. actually, i've been in canada working on a film with the pang brothers. it doesn't have a title, because it's too cool for one. kidding, but yeah, it's a horror movie, so you can imagine how much fun i've been having. so much that i ditched lj for four weeks. it's been incredible. i'm really excited to see how it turns out, probably more than i am about in the land of women. we're not done though, so i'll be here a while longer. fine with me. i'm getting used to canada, seeing as i've spent basically my whole summer here.
it's also kind of nice to be away from things. my room at home is my haven, but sometimes it holds so much; so many thoughts and inner tragedies, that eventually it can become suffocating. it needed to be aired out, and so did i. i've had a chance to break, or at least tamper with, the trance i was in before i left. at least to the point where i really do feel okay with things. i am not as deeply affected, rather. but i know me, and all of that can change so quickly that it's really not worth me sitting here typing how i feel better. that's probably another reason i've always viewed talking about how i feel kind of pointless. i'm such a split-second kind of person. i change so often. but whatever, in the moment i don't care. in the moment, i'm okay, and that's all i care about right now. i swear, filming is serious fucking therapy. or maybe it's the plane ride putting miles in between me and what seems permanent.
yeah, and on a much less serious note, i really could use some new icons. too bad i'm not photogenic enough to have much of a selection of decent pictures to icon.
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| i think i made a wrong turn. |
[18 Jul 2005|01:35am] |
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mood |
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i've always been able to express my anger and annoyance very well, but nothing else. i still think that remains the case to an extent. the only difference is that i actually feel other things now, more than anger and annoyance. and i have more reasons to not express them than just not knowing how.
words gang up on each other inside my head. they battle, and i watch back and forth. they wear each other out, until there's nothing for me to say. just feel.
feel and never explain.
even i annoy myself.
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| aim: kristen speaks |
[01 Jul 2005|09:45pm] |
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mood |
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fine but not. |
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music |
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regina spektor - your honor |
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it is really so easy to keep quiet about things, to make them seem unreal. non-existent. unimportant. to try everything remotely possible that i can think of to not think. and normally, that would be impossible. it wouldn't work. it's hardly possible to keep yourself from thinking about something, or someone. but i'm trying this new tactic. i'm limiting myself. i'm going to stay friends with this person, because that's all that can be. i've pretty much accepted that maybe, that's all that should be. who knows what i really want anyway, anymore. how do i know that i don't just want this because it's something that can't be? or because as i've said before, i attract and welcome complications. challenges. do you ever think we really enjoy the emotional pain? i mean, really. it's feeling, isn't it? maybe some of us put ourselves in these hopeless situations, while unaware or even aware, just because being unwanted makes us feel like shit, and that's better than nothing at all. i don't know, whatever. i don't know where i was going with this, so i'll just move on. it seems to be the way to go with things, right now. the right decision. the only choice.
last week, i had lunch with amy jo johnson. we'd both been feeling pretty shitty lately and thought it'd be nice to be in each other's company and feel sorry for each other. it was actually nice, though. i think we had a pretty good time. she's easy to be around, and it's always good to be able to be around someone who can understand or relate to how you're feeling at least a little.
and i spent yesterday with aly michalka. we went to an amusement park and rode just about everything there. it was pretty awesome. the hours flew by, and i didn't want them to. this says a lot, considering most of the time, i'm really pushing time to pass. seriously, it's like, fuck it. just bring me tomorrow, so i can forget this day. that's usually my frame of mind. but yesterday was different, and while confusing, it was enjoyable. i think overall, i was able to let go of things for a while and just enjoy myself with her.
but reality is always one thought away. one slip. one look. that's just the truth. i'll deal with it. i always do.
i could say so much more, but i think it's unnecessary in this moment.
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| i want the ocean right now. |
[21 Jun 2005|02:24am] |
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mood |
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 morose |
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tegan and sara - so jealous |
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i've been home for a while. the only thing i missed was the beach and being able to surf whenever i want.
before i left, i went through a period where i wasn't surfing as much as i normally did. i don't know why. it's probably no wonder i was waiting for an escape: i'd put the only one i knew aside. the only sane one. while i was gone and busy, i couldn't just grab my board and head for the shore. ironically, i realized how much i need that option.
something tells me i'm going to need this escape so much more in my near future.
i'm not always going to be able to get what i want.
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| i pay much more attention than you think. |
[28 May 2005|06:51am] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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spin doctors - two princes |
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slowly, i seem to have crawled out of my pathetic hole somehow. at least for a while. we all know how easy it is to fall right back in, so i won't jump for joy. i'll just stay still and wait for the next random flying object to push me in, again.
i've been in canada filming 'in the land of women,' and in canada i remain. i'm not sure how much longer i'll be here, though. it's been really nice to have something else to focus on. to glue my concentration to. i've been working alongside of meg ryan. that's something to boost myself up with easy, if nothing else.
so i've been reading my friends page, of course, and several of the older entries are deep and thought-provoking. i want to comment, but nothing worthy comes to me. after reading, i feel more like going outside under the sun and becoming buddha or something. i recall occasions where i began to think at a certain point, about anything, and each thought led to another idea. another point, another angle of perception. and the more i thought, the further into my mind i traveled. passing many chamber doors, and the path left behind became long and blurry. the thoughts were connected, but i ended up far from what i originally began thinking on. i question the point of the journey, but the desire is not negotiable. sometimes this kind of thinking is a variation of uncontrollable self-torture. such fun.
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| this is just my idea of a good time. |
[13 May 2005|01:54am] |
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mood |
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friday night. i'm at home, in my room. my parents think i'm here because i called my dad an asshole. i'm disrespectful. but really. where else would i be tonight? with my friends, drinking and watching them wrestle until they fall down a flight of stairs and everyone's laughing too hard to check and see if they've broken anything or if they're alive? yeah, not tonight. no cliche scene, please. i feel sick to my stomach at the thought.
maybe another night when i'm in my next mood. the next mood that makes me want to be anywhere but here. even if that means i'm another teen statistic. maybe i am anyway. maybe there's no escape.
maybe i don't care. i'll surrender to my bed soon and pretend that if i stay still long enough, i'll disappear. and it won't matter.
and you can throw up now in disgust. i'd worry if you didn't.
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| can we pretend this entry doesn't exist? |
[09 May 2005|04:07am] |
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mood |
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discontent |
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lately, i've been feeling pretty shitty. i don't know why exactly. how often is there actually a reason anyway?
this will probably make me sound really weak or something (maybe i am, who knows), but i guess i've been feeling... lonely. the common kind of lonely that makes me want to just be with someone, anyone, just to have that attention. just to give that attention. during both times that my ex was being really obsessive, i could not understand why i had even gotten into that situation. i mean, yeah, sometimes you don't realize that a person can be that way until it's too late... but sometimes you can. and now that i think about, there's no way i couldn't have known she was that kind of person. but she looked good and was willing to give me attention, even though it was, of course, too much. i guess i used her, or attempted to use her, and it just back-fired on me. rightly so, i guess.
but i can see why, now. and i can see why i'm always putting myself into hopeless situations. because it feels like most of the time, there's nothing else. honestly, if i didn't act, i'd have absolutely nothing in my life. when i'm doing a movie, i have purpose for a while. i'm someone else for a while. and sometimes, that's the best fucking thing ever. and in my free time, i'm nothing. sometimes i may as well have no nerves. i may as well not have the ability to express emotion because the only feeling i have to show is nothing. so, when i see the perfect disaster, i jump at it. when i come across a field of land mines with a huge sign that specifically instructs me to turn around, i walk straight. and then zig-zag. not just to see if i'll get lucky and miss one, or even get lucky and step directly on one... and not even to see if i'll make it across alive. but just because it's something. or at least i think it's something.
and then i act stupid and wonder why the hell i'm standing in the middle of a mine field and how the hell i'll actually get out alive. it makes no sense, really. and yet it does.
obviously, i'm just one of those people who makes everything so much harder on themselves. and realizes it. but can't, or won't, do a damn thing about it. so, bring on the consequences, i guess.
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| you needn't glance twice. |
[01 May 2005|02:02am] |
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mood |
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i would like to write a real entry, really. but unfortunately (or fortunately for some, i'm sure) i don't have a damn thing to say. i guess even my fingers are mutes sometimes.
my room smells of incense.
and this was pointless.
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[23 Apr 2005|05:41pm] |
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mood |
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childishly, i find it amusing when the parent who is constantly telling me to watch my mouth actually says something that i would be scolded for saying. my dad was doing something in the garage earlier, and as i was leaving, i heard something metal drop onto the floor. instantly after that noise, he says, violently, "fucking fucker!" i stepped into the opening of the garage just to tell him, "good job" to let him know i heard. this made him feel better, of coursenot. but i guess i've taught him well. he's been pissy lately, more than usual, so he's been extremely short with everything and everyone. i enjoy it.
my dad is hilarious when he's angry anyway. that's why it's always been so easy to laugh at him when he's yelling at me, which of course makes him even angrier. oh yes, good times.
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[20 Apr 2005|08:09am] |
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mood |
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mellow |
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tegan and sara - walking with a ghost |
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eventually i'm either going to not choose a current mood on this thing or i will just randomly select one. am i really that indescribable? or do i just dislike words? or those words, rather. i don't know. no one cares. i don't.
on the ex-girlfriend front, she has called since my last entry, but only once. and i answered, because ignoring didn't completely work. i told her that if she kept calling, i'd tell everyone she knew that she was sleeping with her brother. or that she wanted to. no, i really didn't. maybe i should have said that just for reassurance, but eh. i did tell her that she's wasting her own time calling me and that i'm only going to continue to ignore any calls after that. because we have nothing to talk about and the sooner she accepts that, the sooner she can be calling someone else. hopefully i didn't just throw a piece of wood into a dying fire by doing that. i guess i'll find out.
sometimes i feel like i dig holes for myself to trip and fall into, metaphorically speaking, of course. not intentionally, really. but sometimes i do feel slightly aware that i'm doing it, but i don't stop myself. maybe it's the excitement that i might fall and break something. or maybe i think no one will notice. i'm not even sure if i want someone to notice.
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| i'm always in a mess. |
[18 Apr 2005|12:17am] |
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annoyed |
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the last few days have been long and fucked up. my ex-girlfriend went back to her obsessive ways, again. we weren't even together very long at all, and i haven't talked to her in a month or something. then all of a sudden this weekend, she starts calling my cell continuously. at first i talked to her because i'm stupid, apparently. and she's apologizing for missing my birthday and for how shitty a girlfriend she's been, and she says that we shouldn't be on our break anymore. i kindly reminded her that it was never just a break, that it was always a very solid break-up and that there was no way in hell i was going to change my mind. well, she doesn't accept that. just like she didn't before right after we actually did break up. and she just keeps calling. and when i didn't answer my cell (eventually i had to turn it off, i was fucking going insane), she'd call my home line. i had to turn my answering machine off because she was leaving messages, and i knew my parents would be able to hear. good thing i did, because whenever they were near my room, they made faces at me. not wondering why i wasn't answering, but wondering who the hell was calling that many times. it was horrible. and then my friends were bitching at me today because they couldn't get in touch with me. then when i told them about it, all they could do was make fun of me. so no help there. i mean, i never had feelings for the girl. there was never anything there, and there never will be. ever. she's freaky and not in the good way. and i know that she doesn't give a shit about me. so no, i don't have to feel bad about it. i don't know. i don't know what her problem is. i guess she's just bored. but that's just fucking psychotic. i've actually been told that maybe i should go talk to her in person to get her off of my back. yeah, there's the brilliant idea of the century. she hasn't called today, so maybe she's gotten the picture. i fucking hope so. i'll be one pissed fuck if i have to change my numbers.
i love my life.
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| i've never had botox injections. |
[13 Apr 2005|05:08am] |
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mood |
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 interested |
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i've noticed that people think i'm being a bitch even when i'm not being a bitch (which i admit is probably rare). i haven't decided if this is good or bad yet. maybe my face is too serious for my words to be taken lightly, when they're meant to be taken lightly, that is. oh well. plastic surgery isn't for me so i guess there's no escaping it.
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| i never was a little girl. |
[11 Apr 2005|01:49pm] |
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mood |
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 these mood choices suck. |
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my birthday was saturday. i turned fifteen. i don't feel any different, because i have actually felt fifteen or older for about... oh, all of my life. maybe everyone does. but i do admit that there are plenty of times where i don't act it. but anyway.
so for my birthday, i had a bunch of people over. i invited several, yeah, but somehow more showed up. i knew my parents would have a freaking fit if they came home to a bunch of kids they didn't know, and even though that normally would satisfy and amuse me, we relocated the action. or lack of action, at the time. we went to my friend matt's house and hung out there for a long while. we ordered a shitload of pizza. there was a lot of shitty dancing and running with knives. a few people made a 'fort' out of soda and beer cartons and other random objects. i wasn't a part of that, although, i was the one who knocked it down. my treat. overall, it was pretty lame and unordinary. but it was something. some events were actually entertaining.
now that i'm thinking of it, birthdays are pointless to me. mine are anyway. if you get anything out of them, that's fine. some people actually enjoy them. but even as a child when my parents would throw those sickening themed birthday parties in the backyard with the matching cups and plates and napkins... or when they threw me one at mcdonald's... or the skating rink... it never made a difference to me. i felt bad for them because they really wanted to make it a big deal for me. sure i appreciated it. the cake and the gifts. but in reality, it was just three hours of agony for me. too many flashing cameras and "they grow up so fast, don't they?!" conversations. they should have just taken us to an amusement park, given us their wallets and left us there for the day. maybe some kids were that lucky.
at least it's a little better now, though. my parents would still love to hold my hand and make me take a picture with some sweaty pervert in a costume or a cheesy clown on my birthday. but thankfully, they have realized that i seriously won't tolerate that anymore.
and i end with that.
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| the start is finished. |
[10 Apr 2005|09:52pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
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music |
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fuel - hemorrhage |
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first entry. who cares? it's easier just to get it over with. i have nothing important to say to begin this journal with. no inspirational words. no biography. there's the info page for that. but a first entry is required. and now mine is done. thank god. we can move on now.
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